


Your Burdens Are Mine

by cosmicci



Category: Jaspar - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Worry, a little steamy, burdens, cuteness, sadness at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6485233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicci/pseuds/cosmicci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix me."</p><p>[talks about some depressive thoughts and feelings, please read at your own risk] <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Burdens Are Mine

  
It was a Friday night and usually, Joe would be spending the night with his boyfriend, Caspar. He would either walk the short distance to Caspar's apartment or Caspar would come to Joe, whichever worked best and then... then they would lounge together on the couch, stuffing their faces with pizza - because when you were with Caspar, you were guaranteed to have pizza at least three or four times a week and they would just stare at whatever was on TV, barely paying attention to it until one of them cracked. It was usually Caspar, the younger boy would grow restless within an hour and he would be trailing his fingers across Joe's collarbone, he would ruffle Joe's hair, his breath would skim over Joe's cheeks and that would drive the brunette crazy. So, fucking crazy until he finally gave in and dragged Caspar to bed.  
  


But tonight, was a different story.  
  


Joe was feeling strange. It felt like he had this huge lump wedged in his chest, a huge lump that refused to move, a huge lump that weighed him down and made him feel like absolute  _shit_. This, in turn made Joe very frustrated because he hated it when he had these short 'episodes,' he hated it when he went through these short bursts in time where he felt upset for  _no_ particular reason.  
  


He had never told anyone, he had never mentioned it to anyone... he had only admitted it to himself and accepted that that was the way things were going to be and that he should just learn to deal with it. Nevertheless, it still hurt whenever he began feeling this way because it got in the way of everything – it got in the way of his YouTube career, it got in the way of friendships and relationships... in a way, it made him feel  _inadequate_ almost. But what he hated the most,  _by far_ was how he could just wake up a few days later and feel completely fine, feel like he hadn't just been through a bout of sadness.  
  


So there he was, sitting on the carpet of his bedroom, his back propped up against the doors of his wardrobe and feeling so, damn sorry for himself. Joe ran a hand through his hair and fiddled with his phone, he had just spent the past hour and a half trying to come up with brilliant video ideas but so far, nothing had stuck and that only annoyed him more. He sighed dejectedly, his chest was heavy and so was his head because he hated feeling like this. There was nothing worse than feeling uninspired, sad and useless.  
  


_What the fuck is wrong with me?_  
  


Joe had tried to solve this problem on his own before. It hadn't quite worked out, though. He had tried immersing himself with people – namely, his friends and family, he had tried to laugh and smile and pretend as though nothing was wrong but at the end of the day, it only made him feel worse. He had tried to ignore it and push through it but it  _always_ came back... and it had ended with Joe with his head in his hands, crying in pure frustration. But the  _real_ problem was that he was so determined to do everything alone, without  _any_ help, he was so determined to be independent and unwilling to accept help from others.  
  


He just didn't want to be a burden, he didn't want to bring other people down with his negativity.  
  


The small boy pulled open the text messages he had sent to Caspar earlier that day. He knew he had worried his boyfriend by asking him not to come over... but he felt as though it was for the best, he just didn't want to pull Caspar down... not when he was such a happy, positive person. Plus, Caspar had no idea about this thing that Joe went through as the two boys had only been dating for a few months; and although Joe had known Caspar way before their relationship started, he still kept it from him.  
  


He reread the text messages, guilt gnawing at his chest with every word he took in.  
  


**_Joe:_ ** _I don't think I can do tonight, Caspar._

**_Casp:_ ** _What's wrong? You okay, baby? x_

**_Joe:_ ** _Just not feeling well, that's all. Don't worry._

**_Casp:_ ** _I can still come and keep you company._

**_Joe:_ ** _I'll get you sick, Casp. That's the last thing I want. x_

**_Casp:_ ** _I don't mind. It's you._  
  


Joe pulled his gaze away from his phone, tears of guilt, frustration and anger blurred his vision. He didn't want to keep reading because the next message consisted of him snapping at Caspar, telling him that he didn't want him to come over and to just... leave him alone and Caspar replying almost immediately with a 'what's wrong?' or a 'tell me what's wrong, Joe.'  
  


He leaned his head back against the wardrobe, allowing his eyes to drift shut for a second and causing a single, tear to leak out of his blue depths before they flew open again at the sound of keys hitting a lock and footsteps scraping along the hardwood floors of his apartment. Joe's heart rate accelerated slightly, his shoulders grew tense but he relaxed almost immediately because he could recognize those goddamn footsteps anywhere.  
  


The brunette rubbed his face with his hands, getting rid of the tear stains before composing himself just as Caspar appeared in the doorway, his tall frame filling up the entire space.  
  


"You know," Caspar murmured, a smile clinging to his lips. "I've been looking for that t-shirt everywhere."  
  


Joe met Caspar's stare for a brief second before he dropped his eyes to the ground, a blush covering his cheeks. Fuck, he was wearing one of Caspar's t-shirts which hung like a cloak over his small frame, just skimming the tops of his bare thighs. Joe tried his best to get rid of the redness on his face before facing Caspar again, he kept his gaze steely and hard, he hoped that he wouldn't cave as soon as he caught sight of Caspar's dazzling, baby blue eyes because he swore he melted every time they saw them. "What the bloody hell are you doing here? I told you not to –  
  


"Since when have I ever listened to what you say?"  
  


"Caspar, I swear..." Joe sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I told you I didn't want you to come here, tonight!"  
  


Caspar narrowed his eyes before running a hand through his hair and letting out a humourless laugh. "What the fuck, Joe? You can't actually be fucking mad that I came to check up on you, especially not after those cryptic texts you sent me and the tweet you made only a few hours ago!"  
  


_Fuck._  
  


Joe had almost forgotten about the tweet he had sent out to his viewers, the one where he said that he wasn't feeling like 'himself.' He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration, "Caspar, I asked you not to come! I  _told_ you not to come because I didn't want you here, I didn't want you to show up here and start taking care of me because you can't alright? No one can –  
  


"I came because I was worried!" Caspar yelled, his hands were clenching the panel of wood above the doorway, causing the bottom of his t-shirt to inch up slightly. "I came because I was fucking  _worried_ about you Joe. How can you say that I can't take care of you? Because I can, I fucking can because I'm your boyfriend and I love you and I –  
  


"Caspar –  
  


"I care about you. I don't know what's going on, I feel like you always shut me out whenever things get too serious and that's not what I want from this relationship, I want to know  _everything_ Joe, every fucking thing. I want to know what scares you, what makes you cry, what makes you laugh... I want to know everything that makes up the amazing person that you are."  
  


Caspar was panting slightly after his confession, his blue eyes wide and staring at Joe, his chest heaving with every breath and his lips slightly parted. Joe felt his heart stutter, he felt it take a tumble because he had never heard such raw,  _honest_ words from anyone... he had never...  
  


"Come here," Joe whispered.  
  


The South-African crossed the room in two, quick strides before crouching down beside Joe. With how close they were now, the small boy could see the tears glistening in Caspar's eyes, he could see the pain and confusion behind those tears and all he wanted to do was fix it because Caspar didn't deserve to worry so much about him... because Caspar deserved better. He clambered onto Caspar's lap and buried his face into the younger boy's neck just as two tears trickled down his flushed cheeks, the trail of saltwater disappeared down the collar of his – or Caspar's t-shirt and he let out a quiet whimper of pain as Caspar pulled him closer, impossibly closer until their bodies were flush together, until they were one.  
  


"I'm sorry," He said, over and over again into the crook of Caspar's neck as Caspar hugged him harder and pressed reassuring kisses to his forehead. "I'm sorry for making you worry."  
  


"You never have to apologize for that, Joe," Caspar replied, inching their bodies apart so that he could cup Joe's precious face in his hands. He stroked a thumb under each of his big, blue eyes until the tears faded, until they stopped flowing before pressing a tender kiss to Joe's lips. Joe kissed back softly, his hands stroking the tiny hairs on the nape of Caspar's neck and then Caspar dropped his hands from Joe's face to his bare thighs, he ran his rough palms over the smooth, tanned skin there, up and up, and slipping under the huge t-shirt Joe wore until they were skimming his sides.  
  


Joe leaned into Caspar's hands, those hands that played his body like a fucking instrument, those hands that were safe... those hands that had somehow helped ease the lump in his chest. "I-I just... I don't know, Caspar," He mumbled honestly, playing with the collar of his boyfriend's shirt as he struggled to find the right words to say. "I just feel like shit, I go through these short periods of time where I don't feel like doing anything... where I just feel sad and useless... and lonely and it hurts, I don't-don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix  _me_."  
  


"You're not useless, Joe," Caspar's hands had returned to the smaller boy's face again. "You're anything  _but_ useless, you're creative, beautiful, smart... you come up with the best ideas and you never cease to make me smile."  
  


_I love you. So fucking much._  
  


"But how could you not tell me?"  
  


Joe looked at Caspar, he looked at him properly for the first time since he had showed up unannounced at his apartment. He looked at him and saw the hurt behind his blue eyes, he saw the unanswered questions and the love... the fleeting love that he had for Joe. "I'm sorry –  
  


"I don't want you to be sorry, Joe," Caspar whispered, kissing his chin. "I just want you to tell me when something's wrong, when something's bothering you because I might be able to fix it... I-I might be able to make it better, just for a few minutes even."  
  


"Caspar, you  _always_ make things better, okay?" Joe pushed a loose strand of hair out of the boy's face and tangled his fingers within his blonde hair. "But I dealt with this alone, I dealt with it alone because I didn't want to bring you down... I didn't want to be a burden on you because the last thing you need is to deal with my fucking, sordid thoughts."  
  


"I love you," Caspar said bluntly.  
  


"And I love you,"  
  


"But I don't want you dealing with this alone anymore. You  _have_ to let me in Joe, you have to let me help you because you're not broken baby, you're just in need of a little repair,"  
  


Joe laughed quietly, resting his forehead on Caspar's shoulder, "Caspar that is  _so_ , fucking cheesy."  
  


"Hey!" Caspar protested, pouting slightly, "I thought it was pretty clever."  
  


Joe grinned, feeling the lump in his chest dislodge. He leaned down and caught Caspar's lips with his own, just as the younger boy stood up with Joe's legs still hooked around his waist and carried them both into the wardrobe. Caspar dropped Joe lightly atop his unmade bed before pressing his lips to Joe's exposed neck and collarbone. He began to trail tiny kisses down the brunette's neck, stopping every now and again to suck certain patches of skin into his mouth, leaving behind a path of rosy, red bruises as Joe moaned beneath him.  
  


_"Casp-Caspar,"_  Joe whimpered because Caspar had snaked down his body and he was resting between Joe's parted legs while he pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses along the insides of his thighs, getting closer and closer to –  
  


"Mm, Caspar wait."  
  


"Yeah?" Caspar grinned cheekily, raising his head and catching Joe's lust-blown gaze with one of his own.  
  


"For what it's worth," Joe murmured, sitting up slightly and brushing the tips of his fingers over the crinkles at the corners of Caspar's eyes. "Being with you makes me feel better... when I'm with you, nothing else matters and the sadness just disappears, it's like it was never there to begin with."

 

**Author's Note:**

> so... i was inspired by joe not feeling well and this is not at all what i think is wrong with him or anything like that because joe's just sick with the flu or something... :'( but anyway, hope you enjoyed it! <3 thanks for reading! sorry for rambling so much!


End file.
